I was Destined to Fail,
When my partner became pregnant I was petrified. How could I be a father?
I was the outcome of rape. An unwanted child rejected from birth. Brought up in violence and abuse. I had spent my life unravelling trauma and cycles.
A wounded child had been behind the wheel of the train wreak that was my existence.
Even when things appeared to be going well I would still find that I was unconsciously living out the effects of the past. How would I not ruin the lives of my child?
I was on automatic pilot. The cards were stacked against me. How could I not stuff this up?
No one had ever believed in me. My mother always said that I would become a monster. That I would hurt women and children. Many predicted that I would end up in prison.
I wasn’t in a position to have kids anyway. No money, no home, no family, no one to turn to.
I hadn’t had a so called normal life, and I certainly didn’t have a normal career. Every attempt I had made at normality had failed.
Instead I had spent my adult years facing and addressing my past. Created a programme to address trauma for kids, wrote books, spoke to audiences.
I was a struggling bohemian of social matters. I could barely support myself, let alone a partner and child.
Yet there was nothing to do. We were going to be a family no matter what.
Being riddled with anxiety was normal for me. It was how I had grown up. However it was worse over that time.
The birth wasn’t easy. That was the day I became a father.
I was determined that my children were going to have a good upbringing. That they were not going to experience anything that I grew up with.
I was too tight in the beginning, out to make everything perfect. It proved better for everyone when I was more relaxed, even though the struggles.
My children are teenagers now. I didn’t stuff up or ruin their lives. There’s never been any violence or abuse for them.
Being a successful father and partner are my greatest achievements.
This article was first published on Facebook and Linkedin September 13, 2021.
Copyright© Tim Tipene, 2021.