I was Not Enough,
Born from an act of rape, My mother couldn’t stand the sight of me.
I worked hard to win her approval, to win her love, but no matter what I did, it was never enough.
She believed that I was innately evil. Told me I would grow up to be a monster, and follow in the footsteps of my father and end up in prison.
It was a message that was echoed by many. Echoes that became entrenched throughout my life.
I strived to be a good man. Someone who would be enough. I took myself to therapy. Pursued personal development. To heal and break the cycles. I offered love and acceptance.
Still it wasn’t enough.
I started a program for children and families, working with self-control and social skills, addressing trauma.
I wrote inspirational books dealing with life’s issues. Became a speaker to share my message of hope and overcoming. Won awards. Named a hero.
Still I wasn’t enough.
‘Too poor’, one woman said.
‘Too damaged,’ claimed another.
‘You’re not selfish enough, you should own your home by now.’
‘What have you been doing with your life?’
‘Good for fun,’ I was told. ‘But not marriage material.’
Then I met you, and everything stopped.
You didn’t even care about what I had or hadn’t achieved. To you I was enough.
You gave me love and acceptance unconditionally. It freaked me out! I wasn’t used to it. I pushed you away and ran, yet you never gave up on me. Even after being apart you came back.
My parents rejected me, my family, so many, but not you.
Such contradiction disrupted my core.
In order to accept your love I had to know and believe for myself that, I am enough.
This article was first published on Facebook and Linkedin August 24, 2021.
Copyright© Tim Tipene, 2021.